Sunday, May 22, 2011

Chasing "Normal"

Have you ever seen the movie "Chasing Amy"?  The main character, Holden (who is heterosexual) falls in love with Alyssa (who is homosexual, at least at the time), and they begin a romance.  Holden later discovers that he is not the first man Alyssa has ever been sexually involved with, and that her past is littered with some fairly raunchy experimentation.  Angrily, he ends the relationship with her.  Later he is counseled by a friend with the following story and advice: the friend had a love interest named Amy, whom he broke up with after discovering unflattering personal details about, but once he realized that everyone makes mistakes and he was truly in love with her, she had moved on and he was left out in the cold; from that point on, he could never forget her or forgive himself for his impetuous mistake, and in a sense he'd been "chasing Amy" ever since in his heart.  To save himself the grief, Holden should hold on to what he has, or else he'll be "chasing Amy" (or Alyssa, in this case) for the remainder of his days.

"Chasing Amy" is the obsessive, never-ending pursuit of that thing you lost or almost had or wished you'd had, that you presently think you can't live (or at least can't find fulfillment in living) without.  Usually "Amy" is no longer accessible or achievable, but "substitute Amy's" are usually the target of our passions, pursuits, goals, and the unspoken purpose of our style of relating to others. 

I have my own "Amy" I've been chasing most of my life, at least ever since I was aware enough of what I wanted but didn't have and thought I couldn't live without:  I'm chasing "normal."  Normal to me has always been to have a steady job with no more than two to three different employers for your entire work career, and to always have been steadily working up in terms of responsibility and authority; to buy a house shortly after marriage, and continually move up the "housing ladder" by expanding the size and square footage of home as income swells; to have a plenteous supply of adoring friends and well-wishers (so that that final grand sized home is filled to capacity with celebrants at your retirement party); to live happy, healthy lives all the way to the grave, with only momentary inconvenient pauses for bouts of ill health, anomalies at most; to pay each and every bill on time or ahead of time, to have a credit report that sings your utmost praises, and a bank account to add further credence to such lauding; and whatever "et cetera" you may want to add to the list of things that your American Dream defines as "normal".

I'm confronted daily with the fact I'm nowhere near "normal" by my own standard!  I have a host of varying and interesting jobs on my resume, each one contributing in its own way to who I am today in my eclectic conglomeration of knowledge, skill, ability and professionalism;  but it's far from the perfect linearly upward ascent I'd always thought of as "normal."  Professionally, I like who I am and how my experiences have given me much to think about as I apply my craft in the marketplace, but at age 46 it's getting harder and harder to sell that vision in an interview situation.   I owned a home from 1993 to 2004, but I've been an apartment dweller with my family ever since leaving the Toledo home to go to graduate school, and we've been longing to get back into a house ever since.  Lack of home ownership is certainly not for the lack of trying, but the opportunities have been elusive in the last few years, and we've (meaning me, my wife and two sons) been slammed with numerous disappointments and heartbreaks as several opportunities fell through for houses we thought we'd be able to buy.  My wife suffers from a debilitating medical condition that is genetic in origin, and thus not treatable or curable.  This has totally changed our habits of recreating, socializing and even worshiping. 

The question that confronts me these days is whether "chasing normal" is truly going to get me nearer to that happy state of normalcy (as I've defined it) or is it going to make me more miserable in the pursuit, and less content in the having, if I ever get there at all?  I suspect the latter.  Chasing "normal" also undermines one of my fundamental beliefs as a Christian: God uses all things to bring glory to Himself, and for my greater good. Whatever mistakes I've made in my career and relationships are unfortunate, but redeemable; whatever hellish circumstances I'm going through at the moment are tragic and something to be grieved for being far less than the Garden of Eden I was originally designed for (imago dei), but they're also useful in the Master's hand and redeemable for the greater glory of God and good for me and those I influence.

What I chase is ultimately what I worship, and I'm built to worship...built to "chase."  I wasn't built to "chase normal" in the way I've been taught and molded (and, in reality, chose) to define normal; I've been made to follow in the steps of the Old Testament love poem, "Song of Solomon", shouting to God Himself,

"Draw me after You, and let us run together...(I) will rejoice in You and be glad!"
- Song of Solomon 1:4

2 comments:

Rolf Granlund said...

I see that you and I suffer much from the same affliction. My "normal" is a little different than yours but I still try and chase it none the less. There are times I grieve over my lack of what I believe to be the good life. But that is also one of the reasons why I became a Benedictine oblate.

Benedictine spirituality stands in stark contrast to what modernity would have to offer us. The biggest is stability as opposed to the constant race and impetus to grab more and to go bigger and better.

I look forward to reading more of your thoughts and promise that I will give some of mine as well.

Rolf

Scott Knapp said...

Thanks for being my one and only commentator! Maybe this blog will end up being a 1:1 conversation between us, but that's a notch up from where I was in 2007! Best regards, Dr. Granlund!