"Two men went up into the temple to pray, one a Pharisee and the other a tax collector. The Pharisee stood and was praying this to himself: 'God, I thank You that I am not like other people: swindlers, unjust, adulterers, or even like this tax collector. 'I fast twice a week; I pay tithes of all that I get.' But the tax collector, standing some distance away, was even unwilling to lift up his eyes to heaven, but was beating his breast, saying, 'God, be merciful to me, the sinner!' I tell you, this man went to his house justified rather than the other; for everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, but he who humbles himself will be exalted." (Luke 18:10-14, NASU)
Mercy has been on my mind lately, and not so much my need to give it but my desperate need to receive it (though the latter should produce the former). There are few things like poverty to expose the need for help...and the slow coming of help to expose the utter desperation for mercy! I've been unemployed only three (3) months now (I say "only" because I'm a relative novice at unemployment, compared to some I know who went for several years without gainful employment recently), and some days this state begins to tear apart my confidence at the seams! I do have Unemployment Compensation coming in on a weekly basis, and by some miracle we've been able to pare our expenses to the point that our major needs are covered, and only occasional negotiation with creditors is necessary to keep them satisfied. Still, most mornings I wake up experiencing what Thoreau referred to (for other reasons) as a state of "quiet desperation" that oftentimes these days makes the first thoughts of my mind a prayer to God, "Be merciful to us today God, and help me find work!"
When I was employed, I was not unsympathetic toward those who had lost their jobs; quite the contrary, I'd been there myself on prior occasions, and I knew the pain and frustration of being willing but unable to work. Unemployment pain is something, once experienced, you swear you'll do everything within your power to never, ever feel again. I saw my last vocational position as a bit of a personal test; I'd weathered a number of severe disappointments with my position and my employer, and felt I'd successfully proven (to myself, at least) that I had the "stick-to-it-iveness" to have earned a little job security...the freedom to "never, ever" face that ghastly, stomach-knotting emptiness of being out of work. The circumstances that brought about my job loss were beyond my control, however...unfortunate collisions of past events and circumstances that caught up with one another and produced a unique circumstance under which my employer was not willing to keep me in their employ. I have no regrets about how that came about...it was also an opportunity for this employer to show mercy themselves toward me, and for whatever reason they chose to not. But it was not like I was gloating over having a job, then suddenly got my comeuppance...I really worked hard to justify continuing in that position and circumstances tore it away.
Continued unemployment has brought out an ugly side of me, toward my family at home, and toward God in my private thoughts. Author Dan Allender, in his book "Bold Love," posits an uncomfortable thought when he offers that it is impossible to fully appreciate the mercy of God (which prompts us to love more "boldly") until we "unpackage" our deepest hatred of God for not ordering our worlds more to our liking. "Hatred of God"? Long story short, I'm realizing that the irritability and occasional emotional cruelty I show toward my wife for her physical frailty (she has a debilitating genetic disorder) and impatience I demonstrate toward my children at times, is rooted in my rage toward God for allowing the present physical and financial "infirmity" to come about...I rage at them because they're here in front of me. Though being employed and earning sufficient income is not sufficient to make deep change in the soul, it would take some edge off by eliminating the worry about paying for food and medicine...but that's all it would do, take the edge off! The ugliness of rage toward God would still be there, simply masked by present comfort. Without suffering, it could never be exposed. I've become comfortable with admitting that on a very critical level in my soul, I'm still stained with hatred of God...I take it only on faith in what the Bible tells me, that at my deepest level I'm truly in love with Him (and I suspect that this journey will eventually put me more in touch with that reality).
I am deeply, desperately in need of mercy...and even acknowledging that, most days I want mercy in the form of God giving me back my "cover" so I don't have to look at my ugliness any more. "Be merciful by giving me a job once again!" I will work again...I will have an income, we'll eventually get a house, and things will stabilize, and I'll rebuild our savings and my decimated 401(k). But I've got only one chance to address this particular test and come through with better character...and fighting against the internal craving for relief, I've decided I don't want to miss it, regardless of how long it must last. I'm at the point where I'm "beating my breast" like the tax collector who had a long, hard look at himself in the Temple, and responded to God the only way that he knew was appropriate..."be MERCIFUL to me, the sinner!"
Mercy has been on my mind lately, and not so much my need to give it but my desperate need to receive it (though the latter should produce the former). There are few things like poverty to expose the need for help...and the slow coming of help to expose the utter desperation for mercy! I've been unemployed only three (3) months now (I say "only" because I'm a relative novice at unemployment, compared to some I know who went for several years without gainful employment recently), and some days this state begins to tear apart my confidence at the seams! I do have Unemployment Compensation coming in on a weekly basis, and by some miracle we've been able to pare our expenses to the point that our major needs are covered, and only occasional negotiation with creditors is necessary to keep them satisfied. Still, most mornings I wake up experiencing what Thoreau referred to (for other reasons) as a state of "quiet desperation" that oftentimes these days makes the first thoughts of my mind a prayer to God, "Be merciful to us today God, and help me find work!"
When I was employed, I was not unsympathetic toward those who had lost their jobs; quite the contrary, I'd been there myself on prior occasions, and I knew the pain and frustration of being willing but unable to work. Unemployment pain is something, once experienced, you swear you'll do everything within your power to never, ever feel again. I saw my last vocational position as a bit of a personal test; I'd weathered a number of severe disappointments with my position and my employer, and felt I'd successfully proven (to myself, at least) that I had the "stick-to-it-iveness" to have earned a little job security...the freedom to "never, ever" face that ghastly, stomach-knotting emptiness of being out of work. The circumstances that brought about my job loss were beyond my control, however...unfortunate collisions of past events and circumstances that caught up with one another and produced a unique circumstance under which my employer was not willing to keep me in their employ. I have no regrets about how that came about...it was also an opportunity for this employer to show mercy themselves toward me, and for whatever reason they chose to not. But it was not like I was gloating over having a job, then suddenly got my comeuppance...I really worked hard to justify continuing in that position and circumstances tore it away.
Continued unemployment has brought out an ugly side of me, toward my family at home, and toward God in my private thoughts. Author Dan Allender, in his book "Bold Love," posits an uncomfortable thought when he offers that it is impossible to fully appreciate the mercy of God (which prompts us to love more "boldly") until we "unpackage" our deepest hatred of God for not ordering our worlds more to our liking. "Hatred of God"? Long story short, I'm realizing that the irritability and occasional emotional cruelty I show toward my wife for her physical frailty (she has a debilitating genetic disorder) and impatience I demonstrate toward my children at times, is rooted in my rage toward God for allowing the present physical and financial "infirmity" to come about...I rage at them because they're here in front of me. Though being employed and earning sufficient income is not sufficient to make deep change in the soul, it would take some edge off by eliminating the worry about paying for food and medicine...but that's all it would do, take the edge off! The ugliness of rage toward God would still be there, simply masked by present comfort. Without suffering, it could never be exposed. I've become comfortable with admitting that on a very critical level in my soul, I'm still stained with hatred of God...I take it only on faith in what the Bible tells me, that at my deepest level I'm truly in love with Him (and I suspect that this journey will eventually put me more in touch with that reality).
I am deeply, desperately in need of mercy...and even acknowledging that, most days I want mercy in the form of God giving me back my "cover" so I don't have to look at my ugliness any more. "Be merciful by giving me a job once again!" I will work again...I will have an income, we'll eventually get a house, and things will stabilize, and I'll rebuild our savings and my decimated 401(k). But I've got only one chance to address this particular test and come through with better character...and fighting against the internal craving for relief, I've decided I don't want to miss it, regardless of how long it must last. I'm at the point where I'm "beating my breast" like the tax collector who had a long, hard look at himself in the Temple, and responded to God the only way that he knew was appropriate..."be MERCIFUL to me, the sinner!"
1 comment:
When I pray the office of morning prayer I start off with "O God, come to my assistance. O Lord, make haste to help me." In fact, I start off a lot of things this way. Acknowledging my need and that I am incapable of the least good without the grace of God is one lesson I re-learn every day. And I understand the anger/rage against God. Many times I will not pray any of the Divine Office because I am in the process of throwing a temper tantrum against God.
My priest lost his wife over a year ago. She was a HUGE part of his life and ministry and the church. And now she's gone. It has not been easy watching him going through the grieving process but through it all he never hid anything from us in the parish. We prayed continuously for her healing and God chose to take her home. Better by far for her but my priest was lost for a time without her. And he made no bones about his rage against God. But he remained faithful to Him in all things. I know you know that God is more than capable of weathering our rage against him. And perhaps it is a good thing that you feel these things. You have a faith and love for God but you feel betrayed. But at least you believe.
I believe that it is high time for the two of us (and our families) to reconnect. I do not believe that God brought you back to this area without thinking of the two of us reuniting. Think about it some and see how you feel. There are more thoughts that I have but this is a poor medium for a good exchange.
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